Just let me watch cable and leave our people alone!
She just stares at you with vigor through your television set, directing you in this hypnotic, robotic voice explaining why you should make the switch to Satellite, while strange, alarming music plays eerily in the background. She has the eyes of the runaway bride and pale white skin, like a day walker from Blade. But, I am extremely attracted to her while she is facing me and feel that I am not content with my cable, and must convert over to dish immediately.
The ad runs constantly and loops over and over again like a Billy Fucillo commercial. I have cable, so they run the ad like every five minutes on every channel, especially in the late evening after I dim the lights. Who is she? Why is she here, and why I am attracted to her?
As I sit on my couch, drinking my malt liquor, I see “scary direct tv girl”, and I don’t actually think the actress is scary anymore?. She’s clearly supposed to be on my TV right now for a reason. If she is out there, I am Danny, and I know what you are saying! I tried to fight it, but cannot resist the temptation of dish anymore. Unfortunately for her, I will continue to fight the “good fight” against the dark powers of Direct TV. She will not tempt me, and I will release her demons when she arrives to take me to the Direct TV Safe house.
Unless this is some sort of evil government scheme to get me to switch to Direct TV, by promising that I won’t be subjected to their awful ads if I switch from cable. As she pops up again on my TV, I feel a bit of calm. She is gone, and with that, I am suddenly subjected to a Romano Suburu commercial.
Oh – maybe you don’t agree with me? Maybe the commercials don’t bother you? Maybe you don’t think she’s that scary? Then look into her eyes and tell me what you see? Do you see something from Narnia? Is she a Shape shifter from the movie Millennium? Why doesn’t she blink her eyes. Would she be able to sit with you on the couch and watch a Yankees game or the upcoming final four?
I will continue my cable, if and only if I am directed by the Direct TV girl, that she plans harm to my family and kindred. I will not give up the good fight for the common folk, and will be a warrior for everything that is right with us candid cable minions.
God Bless America!