Category Archives: syracuse basketball

Who are you? Why do you come for me Direct TV girl?

Just let me watch cable and leave our people alone!

She just stares at you with vigor through your television set, directing you in this hypnotic, robotic voice explaining why you should make the switch to Satellite, while strange, alarming music plays eerily in the background. She has the eyes of the runaway bride and pale white skin, like a day walker from Blade. But, I am extremely attracted to her while she is facing me and feel that I am not content with my cable, and must convert over to dish immediately.

The ad runs constantly and loops over and over again like a Billy Fucillo commercial. I have cable, so they run the ad like every five minutes on every channel, especially in the late evening after I dim the lights. Who is she? Why is she here, and why I am attracted to her?

As I sit on my couch, drinking my malt liquor, I see “scary direct tv girl”, and I don’t actually think the actress is scary anymore?. She’s clearly supposed to be on my TV right now for a reason. If she is out there, I am Danny, and I know what you are saying! I tried to fight it, but cannot resist the temptation of dish anymore. Unfortunately for her, I will continue to fight the “good fight” against the dark powers of Direct TV. She will not tempt me, and I will release her demons when she arrives to take me to the Direct TV Safe house.

Unless this is some sort of evil government scheme to get me to switch to Direct TV, by promising that I won’t be subjected to their awful ads if I switch from cable. As she pops up again on my TV, I feel a bit of calm. She is gone, and with that, I am suddenly subjected to a Romano Suburu commercial.

Oh – maybe you don’t agree with me? Maybe the commercials don’t bother you? Maybe you don’t think she’s that scary? Then look into her eyes and tell me what you see? Do you see something from Narnia? Is she a Shape shifter from the movie Millennium? Why doesn’t she blink her eyes. Would she be able to sit with you on the couch and watch a Yankees game or the upcoming final four?

I will continue my cable, if and only if I am directed by the Direct TV girl, that she plans harm to my family and kindred. I will not give up the good fight for the common folk, and will be a warrior for everything that is right with us candid cable minions.

God Bless America!


Girls pee-pee when they see me……and I pee pee when they see me

He heard Monk was coming to NBC

James Dundy of East Syracuse couldn’t believe it when he found out that Kris Joseph was coming to play Basketball at Syracuse University. “I don’t know who he is, but freakin shit I am glad he is coming, fuck yeah!” Dundy who is in his third year at Onondaga Community college was happy to hear some good news after the Orange had a disappointing ending to the 07-08 campaign.

The idiots gave some good information on the leaper from Montreal, and apparently his videos on youtube are rocking the rim like Shaq-fu. He has been compared to Hakim Warrick, and is supposed to be versatile, like my Lee comfort fit jeans. “I want someone who jumps the fuck out of the Dome like Hak did. None of this Josh Pace shit anymore, I know he won a national championship, but I want some dudes who have hops like my 40 ounce.”

In another, more random note check out Baseball with lightsabers….

Best Sport Montages of All Time-Number 8…..Karate Kid II

Take Peter Ceter, Pat Morita, Ralph Machio and late 80’s Japan and throw it into a wok, and you get KKII (not the white power independent film Klu karate Kid II). Mr. Miyagi and Daniel take a trip to Okinawa to visit Mr Miyagi’s dying father. After arriving Mr Miyagi finds he still has feelings for an old love. Add some ass kicking karate, and a hot asian teen, and this movie is like playing Double Dragon. This stirs up trouble with an old rival that he originally left Okinawa to avoid. In the mean time Daniel encounters a new love and also makes some enemies. And what entails is Japanaginns (Japanese Shenanigans)

Here is number 8-Karate Kid II (1986)

What I like about KK2, is how the story allows us to learn more about characters that we grew to love in the smashing, yes smashing,1984 movie. Sure the movie continues where the last finished off, not like your normal sequel does which is wicked awesome. Yet it does show us a different side to what we saw in the original movie. This movie has post Chicago Peter Cetera which was my first make out song with a girl in 7th grade. (Hi Jennifer Pickering!)

I feel that is what a sequel is meant to do, be a little bit different and allows us to learn new things about characters that we already know, as in bad fashion in Japan in the 80’s. The story was once again written by Robert Mark Kamen, who I thought wrote the part about Miyagi’s problems back home beautifully, as is the way that we see Daniel assimilate to the customs and traditions of the Okinawa people, and the way that Miyagi’s problems in the end are Daniel’s as well. Surprising Ralph Machio’s career only including various guest sports in Billy Ray Cyrus’s Doc?

Tomorrow, number 7….Iron Eagle

BallHype – Best Sport Montages of All Time-Number 8…..Karate Kid II

We could of used Teen Wolf….

“What’s up UMASS, lets play some ball.”

Syracuse, which had led 54-32 with 14 minutes and 30 seconds remaining against UMASS Tuesday night at the Carrier Dome, turned all “Michael J. Fox” and played like a 5’6 white boy fom Camillus trying out for the new season of AND1.

Imagine if we had a werewolf to help us out? Maybe a teen werewolf that is also great at basketball? Maybe we could of pulled this one out and went to New York City?
Michael J. Fox sucks at playing basketball, we all have to admit that. I would of took him over Kristof last night though. With a height of 5’3”, I’m not entirely surprised Mike J is not of the basketball kindred. Maybe a good size to do some van surfing, but not division 1 basketball.

I could of pictured the moment. Down a few points, desperate for a few quick baskets. Boeheim calls Mike J over and asks him to “Wolf Out!” Mike J refuses and wants Boeheim to let him win the game on his own, and not the wolf. Boeheim gets pissed, and yanks him .

Subsequently the crowd starts chanting, “Wolf, Wolf, Wolf” and Coach B has to put him back in the game. He looks up and catches his boy Stiles selling wolf man t-shirts and he decides he can help the team and fans by becoming the wolf(inside, sans hair and fangs), not because he thinks he needs the wolf, but for the good will of the Syracuse community and fans.

This is what entails……..

The End.

Of Course Travis Ford has a wax replica….Duh?

Most likely to be “waxed”, Travis Ford always came to mind. Of course he did.

Let me think..Jim Calhoun, Jim Boeheim, Mike Krijewkaweskiaigisikkez, Rick Pitino and Travis Ford. Out of all those coaches, whom would you think would have been waxed and placed in Springfield, Mass at the Basketball Hall of Fame? Well, if you guessed Travis Ford, you are correct sir.

Fords coaching career listed here:

Ford’s Coaching Career
Season School Overall Pct. Conf. Pct. Notes
1997-98 Campbellsville 16-17 .485 7-5 .583 Mid-South Semifinals
1998-99 Campbellsville 28-3 .903 10-2 .833 Mid-South Coach of Year
1999-00 Campbellsville 23-11 .676 8-4 .667 NAIA National Tournament/Mid-South South Semis
2000-01 Eastern Kentucky 7-19 .269 1-15 .062
2001-02 Eastern Kentucky 7-20 .259 3-13 .188
2002-03 Eastern Kentucky 11-17 .393 5-11 .313
2003-04 Eastern Kentucky 14-15 .483 8-8 .500 OVC Semifinals
2004-05 Eastern Kentucky 22-9 .710 11-5 .688 NCAA First Round/OVC Champions
2005-06 Massachusetts 13-15 .464 8-8 .500
2006-07 Massachusetts 24-9 .727 13-3 .813 NIT Second Round/A-10 Reg.-Season Co-Champions
TOTALS 10 Years 165-135 .550 74-73 .503
Campbellsville Totals 67-31 .684 25-11 .694
Eastern Kentucky Totals 61-80 .432 28-52 .350
Massachusetts Totals 37-24 .607 21-11 .656

After UMass came back and beat the Orange last night, maybe this is fitting for Ford to be part of the Wax Culture. Remember, he did star in the movie, “The Sixth Man” playing Danny O’Grady opposite Marlon Wayons, and Kadeem Harrison.

Next college coaches in line to get waxed:

John Pelphrey-Arkansas
Mike Brey-Notre Dame
Bobby Lutz-UNC Charlotte

Jesus Christ would have been a shooting guard….3:16

“Take it to the hole JC!”

On the very holy day that is Easter, I often think if JC was around today, what his skills on the basketball court would have been. Thinking that he is a lanky white guy(sorry black jesus) with quick feet and great vision I could picture him playing the 2 spot shooting guard and transitioning into the small forward position.

I could see Jesus Christ being a Matt Roe type of player with feet work like Eric Devendorf. He would of been the quintessential European player with a great ability to drive to the hole and dish to the open man. He would have sported the headband and been the Bill Walton of his time. Imagine JC crossing half court at an NBA All-Star game setting up Tim Duncan with a slashing drive and a tift of the hand and it’s Duncan for two. That would be an awe-inspiring event.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, it’s clear that the modern professional athlete needs Jesus at every second of their game. If I was an NBA GM, I would wonder how I could get Jesus on my team? I could picture JC making a David Beckham like entrance. A late night arrival at LAX, flanked by his disciples wearing Prada, and Kenneth Cole jeans, sipping on a vitamin water that turns to a Kindlebrook Pinot at mark……

In the immortal words of Gary Busey…..

“Jesus Christ is my lord of being righteous in heaven. I would hug Jesus until his guts came out!”

This is why I mute basketball……."They can’t afford to get lackadaisical." Tard announcers

Don’t get me started on baseball

Sometimes I think the vocabulary level of a color analyst for most sports has to be at about a 5th grade reading level. Do they have a handbook with cliche phrases to use at opportune times, or do they just bank them in their cap because everybody talks exactly the freaking same?

“They’ve built an insurmountable lead.”

Well, here is a list of cliche sayings we have heard the past few days watching college basketball with definitions from myself and Danny (Poncho Sinatra)…Enjoy!

They play an exciting brand of basketball.(Really, what Brand? Sears.)
They play above the rim. (They are tall.)
They move well without the ball. (They are fast)
They live and die by their outside shot. (Do they literally die?)
They need to dominate the boards. (They have broader shoulders.)
They need to dominate the paint. (They are taller with broader shoulders.)
They need to dominate the offensive glass.(see above)
They have to pound the ball inside. (continue to see above)
They have to block out better. (Who has a Charles Barkley ass?)
They have to stop the dribble penetration. (Do we have any quick guys?)
They score a lot of points in transition. (They are faster and quicker than you.)
They’ve been red-hot. (Just made a lot of baskets.)
They’ve been on fire. (see above.)
They’re shooting the lights out. (continue to see above.)
They’re making a living behind the 3-point arc. (They have made a few in a row)
It’s raining threes. (They are making multiple in a row.)
They’re shooting well from downtown. ( “Downtown” was introduced by broadcaster Marv Albert and is now in widespread use. But why aren’t long-range shooters in the SUBURBS ? )
He can really shoot the three-ball. (He is probably a white guy from an Ivy School.)
He can nail the trifecta. (Plays at Penn.)
They’re getting some good, open looks. (No one is playing defense.)
He’s been unconscious. (Call the fuckin ambulance douche!)
He’s automatic. (Very “Robocop”ish.)
He’s money. (and he doesn’t even know it.)
He can fill it up. (His name is John Holmes on the court.)
He can bury the three-point shot. (A streaky white guy from Cornell.)
He’s a pure shooter. (White boy from BYU.)
He’s been perfect from the charity stripe. (He practices free throws.)
Well, I just jinxed him. (This is the follow-up cliche if the `perfect’ free throw shooter misses)
He can really dish the rock. ( Great passer.)
He’s been their spark off the bench. (He made a couple of shots, even though he doesn’t start.)He gives them good minutes off the bench.
He provides them with instant offense. (His name is Sanka.)
He’s a streaky shooter. (A white guy from Gonzaga.)

And a bunch more that don’t need to be defined…………

They can’t get their shots to fall.
They can’t buy a basket.
They can’t find their range.
They’ve been ice-cold.
The free throw shooting has been anemic.
They’ve been throwing up bricks.
He just threw up an air ball.
There’s a lid on the basket.
That shot barely drew iron.
He lost the handle.
They need a timeout to stop the bleeding
They’ve got to knock down their free throws.
I question their shot selection.
They have to find an answer for Reggie Miller.
It’s been a game of runs.
Now’s the time to run some clock.
They need a defensive stop.
It’s a two possession game.
Ten seconds is like an eternity.
This game has turned into a track meet.
This game has turned into a free-throw shooting contest.
He’s been quiet so far.
They’ve got to take it to the hole.
They’ve got to take it to the rack.
The big guy is really sweeping the glass.
He can really sky for those rebounds.
He’s a force on the inside.
He can spot up for the open J.
That’s his patented jumper.
He shoots a rainbow jumper.
They’re really banging in there!
They have to body-up on the big guy.
Nothing but net.
Drained it!
They’ve got numbers!
Great no-look pass.
Count the basket!
He nails the buzzer beater!
He got away with a walk. (The cliche way for an announcer to suggest a player traveled with the ball)
He got hacked.
That was a smart foul.
That was a ticky-tack call.
That was a good piece of officiating.
The refs should let them play.

Thanks for the inspiration of this via (Sports Cliche)

BallHype – This is why I mute basketball…….”They can’t afford to get lackadaisical.” Tard announcers