"I’d like to order a John Daly… it’s an Arnold Palmer, add vodka."

When you think of getting advice, I know only one name comes to mind. John Daly.

Next Round was gracious enough to start a John Daly advice column, and here are some of the excerpts:

Mr. Daly,

You’re the best. I go to the range and only hit driver because you’re my hero. My question is about work. My job can get really boring, but it still pays the rent. Should I look for something new or just stick it out for the stability? And if I look for something new, what Internet job site do you recommend?

Your biggest fan,

Jim in Boston

First off Jim, what the fuck is the internet? Consider that question skipped.
Second, quit that shit job. Life is too short not to party. Actually, don’t quit the job. Just quick working. Make those assholes you work for sack up and tell you not to come back.
The Daly Philosophy goes a little something like this: Do whatever the hell you want and life will work itself out. One time on the course I shit my pants because I didn’t feel like walking all the way to the can. And you know what? I still came in 34th place. Good enough to pay for my cigs for an entire year. Get what I’m saying now?

JD,
YOU THE MAN! Need a little help here from a guy who knows how to live life right. I’ve been feeling out of shape and I’m beginning to cramp up when I do semi-strenuous things like walk up stairs. I don’t have time to get the gym but I try to eat ok and drink a bunch of water. Any other suggestions?
Thanks,
Andy in Maryland

Andy, buddy, you’re going about this all wrong. There are two kinds of people in the world: the no fun workout pussies and the kick ass bastards like you and me. Don’t try and be something you’re not. Organic foods and bottled water are for no fun workout pussies. Andy, are you a no fun workout pussy?
I suggest a solid regiment of diet cokes, red meat, Kit Kat bars, and booze. If you get real parched, stick your head under a faucet.
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