Did you see that Superbowl commercial when the monkey tries to hump that lady? How to throw a superbowl party

I am going to a Superbowl party, not going to throw one. I have been going to Superbowl parties now for about 32 years now, and I feel that I have earned the right to point out how to throw a Superbowl party. By following a few of these rules, you and yours can watch the Giants beat the Crap out of the Patriots and have fun while doing it!

Here we go……..

10. Have a shit ton of dip! I mean literally a shit ton of it. Have multiple kinds of it as well, with chives, bits of bacon, vine ripened tomatoes, salmon, chunks of everything. Just have a lot of freakin dip. Everyone will eat your dip, and guests will often say, “Hey, this dip is great, what’s in it”? People will bow down to your dip and make you their dip god for an evening.

9. Have a giant sub sandwich. This is key to a great Superbowl party. I love walking in and going, “Wow, now that’s a huge submarine sandwich. I want a piece of that monstrosity!” Size matters guys when it comes to big subs!

8. Strategically placed beverages. Most Super Bowl parties are centered around the fridge, beer cooler, Coors Party Ball or Keg. Depending on how many people you’re inviting and what they like to booze, you should consider a keg. Or, strategically place a few coolers around your living room for bottles and cans so people don’t have to go too far to get their beer grove on. You can provide the beer and ask anyone who wants mixed drinks to provide byol, or you can set up a full bar yourself if you’re the mack daddy or Tom Cruise Cocktail style. With drinks, like food, don’t be afraid to ask your guests to pitch in and bring a six pack of Zima or twelve pack of St. Ides if you don’t want to get stuck with funding the madness. Your friends will be happy to oblige and, most likely, you’ll end up with some beer left over for the next few weeks.

Don’t forget that many states don’t sell beer on Sundays(Only douche states have this law, so this party planning doesn’t work in those types of douche states), so you may need to plan ahead. Buy more than you expect you’ll need. Pretend you are buying for a fraternity mixer for 19 year old college sophomores. There’s nothing worse than running dry in the middle of the third quarter, and it can also break out into fights in your living room and the shit can get ugly. Also, provide soda and water for those who aren’t drinking beer.(Like for the people who can’t control their alcohol and are in rehab, or just those really strange people that don’t drink. Actually those people shouldn’t come to your party, so don’t let them in!) It’s important to have some non-alcoholic beverages available at the end of the party too, in case some of your friends need to sober up before hitting the road.

7. Big Screen TV. One of the most important features of the Super Bowl party is the Super Bowl itself. If you have a tiny TV, it’s going to be hard for everyone to see the game and they will think you are a poor sonova bitch. Most likely you’re hosting the Super Bowl party because you have the biggest (or best) TV out of your group of friends, so this shouldn’t be a problem. However, even with a big screen TV, it can be hard to have a perfect view from every angle. If you have a large living room and people will be mingling during your party, consider bringing in another TV or two and placing them in strategic locations. Even a small kitchen TV can add to the experience if it’s placed appropriately. Have gun, will travel!

6.Decorations? Fuck it

5. Beautiful women. Have people bring beautiful women to your house. Guys drinking beer and watching football warrants hot babes there as well. Even if your friends are ugly and fat, maybe they can rent a date for the night to have some honeys at your house. Got to have the ladies there!

4.Friends. Fill your house with friends and friends of their friends. Watching the Super Bowl with your buddies makes the experience infinitely better. You can cheer, jump up and down, high five and hug (in a manly way, of course) when your team scores or makes a big play. You can shake your heads and curse your coach or quarterback together when something goes wrong. Even a little friendly rivalry can make Super Bowl Sunday more entertaining. Invite your friends who are rooting for the other team even though they are stupid fucks. There’s nothing better than a little smack talk during the game…or at the end of the game, after your team has won.

3. Jime Rome pinata. During half time you can whip up on that goatee wearing douche and knock all of the “s(m)nack” out of him. He sucks ass, so it will be fun to take out your frustration on this annoying bitch!

2. Did we mention beer? If not, have more beer!

1. Make sure the Patriots lose. Whatever hand you can have with Tom Brady losing the Superbowl is the key to a great party. Death Threats to his chauffeur, Bomb scare at the Patriots hotel, or sneaking into the locker room and pulling a Nancy Kerrigan prior to Sunday, you do it! Remember, everything Boston Sucks!


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