Giuliani To Run For President Of 9/11
NEW YORK—At a well-attended rally in front of his new Ground Zero headquarters Monday, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani officially announced his plan to run for president of 9/11.
“My fellow citizens of 9/11, today I will make you a promise,” said Giuliani during his 18-minute announcement speech in front of a charred and torn American flag. “As president of 9/11, I will usher in a bold new 9/11 for all.”
League To Allow Falcons To Videotape Signals Next Year
ATLANTA–Following a miserable 4-12 season, which sunk the franchise to a new low, the Atlanta Falcons have been told by the NFL that they can videotape opponents’ signals next season if they think it might help. The “special exemption” to the anti-videotaping rule was granted out of pity, said NFL spokesman Greg Aiello.
“The Falcons have had some terrible luck this season and we felt they deserved a little mercy from the league,” said Aiello. “Allowing them to videotape their opponents’ signals should at least give them an edge. Hopefully they can translate that edge into a win or two in 2008. We’ve alerted their opponents and they’re cool with it. Everybody’s pulling for these losers now. They’re America’s team.”