Dr. Gross-"Central New York has some great wings!"

-During the second quarter of the Syracuse-Cincinnati football game, SU athletic director Daryl Gross was seen eating some local wings with his local cohorts in Syracuse’s luxury box seating. “You cannot get these types of wings out in southern California”, Gross stated after the match up.

Gross also made a statement earlier today on making Buffalo Wings, Syracuse footballs official food. “The historic creation date for Buffalo Wings was October 30, 1964, when Anchor Bar owner Teressa Bellissimo was faced with feeding her son and his friends a late snack. Having an excess of chicken wings on hand, she fried up the wings, dipped them in a buttered spicy chile sauce, and served them with celery and blue cheese dressing as a dipping sauce to cut the heat. The wings were an instant hit, and I hope when everyone bites into these flavorful treats, SU football comes to mind.”

From our friends over at Brushback.com

Bono tours Baltimore Ravens locker Room

BALTIMORE, MD–U2 lead singer Bono toured the devastated Baltimore Ravens locker room Sunday after the team’s 21-9 loss the Bengals, speaking with players and coaches along the way. He saw first hand the decrepit condition of the offense, and the total lack of morale on defense. Afterward, he appealed for help on behalf of the group of losers.

“The world needs to open its eyes to the conditions on this Baltimore Ravens team,” Bono told reporters, wearing his trademark wrap-around sunglasses. “While other teams enjoy competent coaching staffs, skilled quarterbacks, and functional offensive lines, the Ravens are suffering needlessly with this dogshit of a roster. Somebody do something. The inaction of the global community is shameful.”

Bono decided to pay a visit to the team after being alerted to the crisis by Ravens fans. What struck him most, he later said, was the shocking incompetence of the offense.

“I’ve seen a lot of hardship and turmoil in my life, but nothing that could prepare me for the unparalleled clusterfuck that is the Baltimore Ravens offense,” he said. “From the quarterback to the running backs to the offensive line, there is a complete lack of cohesion. The only good thing that’s happened to them this year is me stopping by to visit. I see another Nobel prize in my future.”

During his visit, Bono met with head coach Brian Billick to discuss the team’s most immediate needs. Afterwards, Billick called the meeting “productive.”

“It was a frank, honest, and productive meeting,” Billick said. “Bono really does care about this team and this city. He’s also very honest. Still, no matter how much concern he showed, no matter how much compassion he offered, I still could not bring myself to forgive him for How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb. If he wants to alleviate suffering in the word, he should stop making records like that.”

The visit did very little to lift the team’s spirits. Many of the players didn’t even recognize him. The ones that did couldn’t figure out what he was doing in their locker room.

“Um…what the hell was Bono doing in here?” asked receiver Derrick Mason. “I saw him earlier walking around talking to reporters about how shitty we are. Then we he got to me he patted me on the back and said ‘Hang in there, Derrick. We’re gonna get you some help, you hear me?’ Yea, right. He’s going to get us some help. That’s what they all say. He’ll just end up abandoning us like everybody else. ”

Another player nearly lashed out at Bono after the singer made a disparaging remark about him.

“I was sitting at my locker getting dressed and Bono came over surrounded by a bunch of reporters,” said running back Jamal Lewis, who has struggled this year since returning from a suspension. “He pointed at me and said ‘This is one of the team’s most pressing needs. The poor bastards have had to get by with this flimsy excuse for a running back.’ Then he wiped his eyes and started choking back tears and said ‘Nobody should have to live like this.’ That was the last straw. I got up and walked away and hid in the men’s room. Taught him a lesson.”

Still, Bono’s visit was a fruitful one since it did manage to call attention to the Ravens’ plight. The singer said he would return next year to monitor the team’s progress.

“I have seen the depths of human misery today, but I have also seen something else: hope,” Bono told reporters outside the locker room. “The hope of a coaching staff, the hope of the fans, and the hope of the players who, against all reason and logic, continue to take the field every week. That is a stirring example of human endurance. With their resilience, these players make the Sudanese refugees look like total pussies. Of course, they also have it much, much worse than those people.”


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